I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
