Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
