you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
