And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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