She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
