wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
