i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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