why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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