i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
