He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Randomize
