The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
