he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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