put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
