she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.