I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
I cockslap morals
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
