I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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