Kroger has a sale on economy packs of some ridic brand of condom with a smiley devil heart on it $4.99 for 24
Sounds like a baby waitign to happen
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
