what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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