I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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