just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Semen is not good for contacts.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
