i think my tv is drunk
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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