OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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