Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
