i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
