remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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