He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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