Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
