who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
