I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Randomize
