I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
We have so much sex to catch up on
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
