we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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