So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
