I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
