Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
