this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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