I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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