apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
