There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
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There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
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Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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