Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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