party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Hippo gnu deer
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
