it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
