we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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