Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Randomize
