Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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