Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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