I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
