I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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