one two three fourrrrnication!
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
