He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
what is it with giant penises always finding me
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize
