omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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