Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I will pee on everything he values.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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