Fine. I'll sleep in my office
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
