I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
