I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
