Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
